Thursday, June 30, 2011

My Canada Day Top Ten

Since my Father's Day top ten was a hit, and tomorrow is the 144th anniversary of Confederation in Canada (Canada Day), I've decided to showcase some of the best that Canada and Canadians have to offer.  Enjoy.

PDS - Public Displays of Sex:

In most countries PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) are enough to turn some heads or even land you in prison.  Not so in Canada.  Not only can you do the do in the middle of the street, but you'll even get full police escort to protect that right.

Hallowe'en in July:

This one is for the kiddies, or the kids at heart.  It's November 21st and you're already longing to throw on that police uniform or leopard print leotard and Twisted Sister wig.  In most other countries, you'd have to wait another 11 months to put on that lipstick and eye shadow.  Come to Canada (specifically Toronto) and you can dress up (or down or wear nothing at all) and celebrate Hallowe'en with a million other people minus the candy and the cold weather.

Justin Bieber:

We Canadians are open minded, tolerant, and accepting of all races, religions, and sexual orientations.  Take for instance Justin Bieber.  This young Canadian export is arguably the most famous transgendered celebrity this world has ever seen, next to RuPaul of course. (I think Bieber's actually an androgynous lab creation by the music industry to suck parents dry of their hard earned dollars and a generation of young women's common sense.)

Stephen Harper:

Who can resist our George Bush loving, tax cutting, "I smoke crystal meth" ice cold eyed, PM?  One of our greatest leaders and should be celebrated as such by Postmen and women from sea to sea.

Smartest Taxi Drivers in the World:

Most people would prefer getting sick or having a heart attack in hospital.  Yes, in the rest of the world that makes perfect sense because there are doctors everywhere to save your life.  But in Canada we have come up with a highly effective solution to alleviate the pressure on our healthcare system - taxi drivers.  We have an ingenious immigration system where doctors migrate from all over the world and work undercover as taxi drivers.  Next time you cut off your big toe or your water just broke and want to call 911, think twice and dial 416 TAXI-CAB (GTA residents only, please).

Snow:

After living near the equator for a third of the year, I realized that these poor people suffering from year round summer weather will never get to enjoy that quintessential Canadian delight - frostbite.  Don't donate bikes, or food, or clothes, send the gift of snow.  We know they need it.

Blackberry:

Not much good comes from anything west of Mississauga, but RIM (Research In Motion) the company that makes BlackBerrys in Waterloo is one of the few exceptions (honourable mention goes out to Vancouver's safe-injection sites.  Where else can you shoot up and get a safe place to sleep in case you OD?).

Ben Johnson:

Before Usain Bolt, Asafa Powell, Tim Montgomery, Maurice Greene, Carl Lewis or Donovan Bailey, he was the fastest man in the world and he was Canadian.  If Charlie Sheen can take steroids so that he can keep winning even in a scripted movie that he was going to win anyways, what's wrong with Ben doing it in the real thing?

Tim Hortons:

Every morning millions of Canadians wake up, get dressed, and go and get their fix from the first and only legalized drug pusher in our great nation.  He's on every corner, open 24/7, and you can even drive thru if you don't want anyone to see you getting out of your car.  His name is Tim and has millions of Canadians addicted like what Reagan did with crack to Black Americans in the 80s.

The Seal Hunt:

Most people see the above critter as a little cute baby seal worthy of being cuddled and loved.  As proud Canadians, we see a new jacket, a nice warm toque, and maybe even a pair of underwear.  We love our animals, but we love to club them to death and wear their fur even more.  Don't let a cute face fool you, we Canadians know that behind those big eyes and soft fur is a terrorist hiding WMDs.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Women's World Cup

I've got to show some love to Canada's national soccer (football) team at the World Cup in Germany.

I'm a once every 4 years fan of soccer (OE4YFOS), so I have no right to critique the game or the teams or the fact that more kids in Canada play soccer than hockey.  I'm soccer ignorant and I have no problem admitting it.

What I will say is that after watching Canada play Germany in their opening match, as a OE4YFOS, I've noticed that these women play with bigger balls than the men that actually have a pair between their legs.

Take for instance Canada's team captain, Christine Sinclair.  Even though Canada lost the match, she had her nose broken by an illegal elbow, doctors told her she couldn't play, came back on the pitch and then scored a goal.


http://www.thestar.com/sports/soccer/article/1015768--kelly-there-s-no-whining-in-women-s-soccer

I know women's sports don't get the same kind of respect as the men, but if you haven't been following the World Cup, watch a couple games and get into it.  At the end of the day athletes are athletes and sport is sport.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Reality Check

It's interesting posting on this blog while I'm working on my PhD.  More people have read this blog in a week (let alone a post on Mary's baby daddy) that will probably ever read my dissertation on Barbadian immigrants in Canada.  A post that took me less than an hour to come up with has more reads and will be more popular and entertaining than the culmination of 9 years and tens of thousands of dollars of post-secondary education.

I think most PhDs would be disheartened by that, but to be honest, it is what it is.  I'm at peace with the futility because at the end of the day what I do is pointless (and if most grad students don't recognize that, they'll be in for a rude awakening).  I'm not searching for a cure for cancer or the common cold.  I'm going to be a doctor that can't save lives.  You don't want me to raise my hand and come forward when someone yells out if there's a doctor in the room.  How many people would hire a plumber that doesn't know how to jiggle that clog of Manchu Wok out of your toilet before it (and whatever else you ate that day) spills all over your bathroom floor?

I'm going to write a book that no more than a handful of people are going to want to read.  A guy can write a book about telling his kids to go to f**k to sleep, and I can bust my brain for years pushing out a book that will probably end up in a Goodwill used bookstore.

Might sound like I've been sipping on the haterade, but it is what it is.  If I wanted to have an impact on more people and touch more lives, I would've become a Catholic priest or a hockey coach. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Go the F**k to Sleep

Or not.  Before you start wondering why I'm cursing in my blog titles now (especially since I said this blog won't get you fired from work), this is the title of a children's book (yes, a children's book) that's been getting some press out here in North America.

Go the F**k to Sleep (and for those who may not know what those "**" are hiding, go to any elementary school playground and you'll find out in no time), is a book written by Adam Mansbach and illustrated by Ricardo Cortes.  You can buy it now on Amazon for $8.47 Canadian.

http://www.amazon.ca/Go-F-Sleep-Adam-Mansbach/dp/1617750255

I'd give you the gist of the book, but I'd rather let Samuel L. Jackson read it to you.

***Warning.  There is some for real cursing in this video.  Either invite your co-workers and boss to watch the clip, or throw some headphones on.***


I hope I don't need to explain the obvious and say that this is not a children's book.  I repeat, do not read this book to your 4 year old child.  If you do, you're the only one to blame when little Johnny tells little Julie to go to f**k to sleep at naptime.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Burning Books

Check out this article about a Dutch group planning to burn Lawrence Hill's The Book of Negroes.

http://www.thestar.com/article/1011878--dutch-group-threatens-to-burn-book-of-negroes

Here's the gist of their argument:

"A Dutch group that purports to represent victims of slavery plans to burn The Book of Negroes, an acclaimed novel by Canadian Lawrence Hill, because it finds the title offensive.

'We, descendants of enslaved in the former Dutch colony Suriname, want to let you know that we do not accept a book with the title The Book of Negroes," said Roy Groenberg, head of a group called Foundation, Honour and Reparations Victims of Slavery in Suriname, said in a letter to Hill."

Me, a descendant of enslaved in the former British colony of Barbados, is offended too.  I'm offended that the descendants of enslaved in the former Dutch colony Suriname didn't even read the book or know anything about Canadian history.  Read before you speak.

I'll give the Dutch the benefit of the doubt on this one.  Not everyone is an expert on Black Canadian History (ahem), so I've put together a possible scenario of where the confusion lies. 

When I first heard the title of the book a few years back, I wondered if The Book of Negroes was in fact an encyclopedic dictionary of Negroes and Coloured folk written by a Mulatto African-Canadian descendant of African-American slaves.  In the book you could find stories on famous and influential Black people like Flava Flav, Tyra Banks, Michael Jackson, Vybz Kartel, Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson, Tracy Morgan, Al Sharpton, 50 Cent, and 732 other top notch Negroes.

Where else could you learn about Gary Coleman and Ben Johnson in the same book?  New York bestseller.

But this inspired me about other possible books that should either have a title change or burned or both.

  • Little Red Riding Hood = Diminutive Young Woman Dressed in a Red Garment in a Middle Class Suburb
  • The Black Stallion = The African-American Equine
  • The Old Testament = Old School Street Justice
  • The New Testament = New School Ideological Justice
  • To Kill A Mockingbird = Snuffing Out Pigeons
  • Tar Baby = Colourless Children
  • Beloved = Devil Demon Child
  • Chicken Soup for the Soul = Why Your Life Sucks
  • Harry Potter = Voodoo For Kids
  • Twilight = Necrophiliac Beastiality 101
  • The Da Vinci Code = How to Get Rich: Popularizing Heresy

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Colour Purple

Had an interesting run in yesterday with a greyish, liverspotty, smoking since birth coloured elderly gentleman in London.  He called me "coloured" and it inspired the inner poet deep inside me.  When I say deep, I mean it never actually existed.  It's called: "I am not a colour".

Red, yellow, blue are colours,
Purple, green, and pink are too.
I see colours everywhere,
In food, photos, and dog poo.

Brown, beige, and caramel,
Chocolate, hazelnut, and tar,
Could be the colours of your hair,
Or rum on the shelves of a bar.

I am not in the paint section of home depot,
Or a product on HGTV.
I am not a crayon,
Or the colour of concentrated pee.

Why is a grown man calling me coloured?
He must've missed that lesson in grade 2.
There's no such place as Colouredland,
And it's not 1922.

Someone call Russell Simmons.  Def Poetry Jam here I come!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My Father's Day Top Ten

In comparison to Mother's Day, fathers get no love.  And for the most part it's pretty well justified.  Most single parents are mothers, who not only have to be a mom but a dad too.  But I've decided to post a tribute to what I consider history's top ten greatest fathers (the order is arbitrary because each one is number one in his own right).

Joseph (Jesus' dad):

This man gets little credit.  And I'm here to give credit where credit is due.  Not only is he the father of World's most famous man, but he stood by his woman and raised a son that wasn't biologically his.  How many men you know in the 21st century would buy the argument that his virgin wife got pregnant by immaculate conception?  I can see a Maury episode in the works right there: "God is my baby daddy".

George Bush (Bush's dad):

He started it all in the Gulf and has to be the proudest father the world has ever seen.  Not only did he spawn a successful son, but one who walked exactly in his footsteps as President and leader of the Free World (and bombs and death in the Middle East).  "When I grow up, I want to be exactly like my dad!"  Good thing Hitler had no children.

Osama bin Laden (the father of many children around the world):

Was your dad the most wanted man in the history of the World?  Enough said.

Michael Jackson (Blanket, Quilt, Sheet, Comforter, Duvet, and Pillow's dad):

I first thought that Joe Jackson should make this list because he was Michael Jackson's dad.  But then it makes a whole lot more sense to just put Junior J on the list instead.  The bedroom set children can go to school with their heads held high and say that their daddy was the King of Pop.

Mike Tyson (dad to 8 kids and one helpless pigeon):

Growing up, your father is supposed to be your protector.  He keeps you safe from the bogeyman, stray dogs, and potential boyfriends.  Who better to protect you than Tyson?  He will bite another man's ear off, but still be gentle enough to snuggle a white flying rat.

Jon (another father of 8):

Kate left Jon for the bright lights of TLC reality stardom and decided to take their 8 children with her.  For most deadbeat dads that would probably be the best thing that could ever happen to him.  But not Jon.  The greatest Korean-American father of Korean-American-American sextuplets and twins on TLC ever.  Ever.

Thomas Jefferson (father of Black and White Americans)

I could pretty much swap Jefferson for any other slave owning father (or slave master) in world history.  One of the reasons for the One Drop Rule in the US and gives me something to study.  Got to give props to that.

Martin Sheen (Charlie Sheen and the Mighty Ducks guy's dad):

If one of my son's movie roles gave birth to an NHL hockey team, and the other one had tiger blood and was winning at anything and everything he did, I think that makes me the world's luckiest father.  Martin Sheen is winning at life.

Beer Dad:

This guy is smart.  He knows that in about 18 years his child will be off to college somewhere and living on her own.  What better thing to do but give her the taste of beer as a baby so she won't be tempted later on in life?  Nothing like a hangover young when someone else can clean up your mess.  Beer is better than milk for a child.  Molson says so.

The Most Interesting Dad in the World:

If your Dad could stare down his own shadow, or tame a cougar, or break a less interesting man's jaw with his words, you'd think he was a top notch dad too.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

LeBron's Tiger Blood

If you haven't heard LeBron's press conference, and particularly his "infamous" comment, scroll to 3 minutes of this youtube clip.


Thoughts?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Winning!

No, I don't have tiger blood.  But this is a rant.

I hate the underdog.  I love winners.  I'm that guy that loved to see Tyson concuss another man in the ring.  I was sad when Apollo Creed lost the title to Rocky.  I was sad when Rocky lost to Clubber Lang in Part 1 of Rocky III.  The Soviets should've destroyed the US in that "Farce on Ice".  If I could go back in time, I would re-write the Bible and had Goliath stomp on David's throat, then use his slingshot as dental floss.

I want Tiger Woods to win every single golf tournament he enters.  I love to see Usain Bolt beat grown men as if they were children (and laugh while doing it).  I hate to see when teams come back from down three games to none and win a championship.  Rudy was a hobbit and not a Notre Dame football player.  I don't believe in bell curves.  And Ricky Bobby was right; if you're not first, you're last.

Let's see if LeBron James is a winner.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

It's Our Turn to Eat

Here's a plug to a book that sums up what's wrong with NGOs and the government corruption that I experienced first hand (and that I blogged about with respect to the hydro situation) while I was in Tanzania.

Michela Wrong's It's Our Turn to Eat: The Story of a Kenyan Whistleblower

Here's an excerpt:

"But 'eating' surely touched its nadir with the Goldenberg scandal, the Moi presidency's crowning disgrace.  Dreamt up by Kamlesh Pattni, a Kenyan Asian with a lick of glossy black hair and the overconfidence of twenty-six-year-old millionaire, this three-year scheme was once again a reflection of its times.  Launched in 1991, it tapped into the government's hunger for foreign exchange, threatened by aid cuts from Western donors determined to see multi-party elections in Kenya.  Pattni's firm, Goldenberg International Ltd, started by claiming - under a government compensation scheme meant to encourage trade - for exports of gold and diamonds Kenya did not produce and the firm never actually carried out.  Approved by Central Bank staff, Pattni's fraudulent export forms - the infamous 'CD3's - only marked the start of this multi-layered scam.  Setting up his own bank, he used the leverage granted by his finance ministry contacts to mop up available foreign exchange under a pre-shipment finance scheme.  He bought billions of shillings in treasury bills on credit and cashed them in as though they had been paid for, and borrowed money from a range of complicit 'political banks' to place on overnight deposit.

The various schemes not only enriched senior officials, they provided slush funds for what the ruling party knew would be fiercely contested elections.  Pattni ploughed his profits into the construction of the Grand Regency, a five-star hotel in central Nairobi as gilded and ornate as Cleopatra's boudoir.  The ordinary Kenyan, for his part, lost anywhere between $600 million and $4 billion as his country's foreign exchange reserves, rather than being boosted, were systematically hoovered up by the well-connected...The resulting recession was still being felt fifteen years later."

This book really gives you an insider's view of what's going on when it comes to corruption in East Africa and specifically Kenya.  And really how pervasive it is worldwide.  It tackles White Guilt, tribalism, colonialism, neo-colonialism, corruption, NGOs, complacency, racism, greed, among a multitude of other contentious topics.  It makes you ask this question: "what would you do?"

I know what side I'd be on, and it's not necessarily the "right" one.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Oscar Mayer Weiner

I've been Weinered.


What is wrong with the world today when Anthony Weiner's supposed twittered wiener/weiner (still not sure what the correct spelling is for that one) is top news story on CNN and around the world?


Here's a photo of what the big controversy is all about:

I had second thoughts about posting this photo on my blog for a few reasons.  For one, who knows if that's the real Weiner.  For two, why would I post a photo of another man's boxer briefs and silhouette of his genitals on my blog.  But since I'm trying to get some real credibility on my blog, I decided to post what's current in the news today.  Yes folks, I am now worthy of being a CNN journalist.  YES!

I'm like the kid in this ad:


I don't really care what grown men and women do with their own private lives, behind closed doors, on facebook or on twitter.  I'm sticking to the Trudeau mantra on this one.

And to be honest, I don't really care about this story.  It's not the first - nor the last - time a US politician has put his penis in his mouth (I was going to use "foot in mouth" but that sums up all these scandals much better). 

It's almost like that's a prerequisite to be a politician or famous in US or Western society.  Either have a sex tape, cheat on your wife with a woman or man (whichever you prefer), post your genitals online, beg for sex in public washrooms (a la Larry Craig), have an illegitimate child from the help (a la Ahh-nold), or pretty much just be a dirty old man (Clinton, Bush, Kennedy, and pretty much any and all French or Italian leaders.)

I've been doing it all wrong on my road to success.  All wrong.  And for that I'm very disappointed that the best years of my life have been marked by futility. 

Doing well in school, being a good and moral human being, dotting my 'Is' and crossing my 'Ts', networking, joining social and professional clubs, seeing the world, and well, living the good life and working hard is not the road to prosperity and success.

Yes, my friends, I have found the Fountain of Youth.  The Holy Grail.  The meaning of life.  I have found it with the help and guidance of the one that sees all and knows all.  The maker and taker of life.  Nope, not God, but CNN.

Buy yourself a pair of pervert grey Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs (preferably the ones that won't ride up).  Next insert a cucumber on a 45 degree angle (this advice is both male, female, and gender non-specified appropriate).  Finally take a photo using your smartphone and post it all over the internet.

Maybe that crazy old dude was right about the Rapture.  The world did come to an end on May 21st.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Isaiah Gibbons

As a relative of a good friend of mine, I asked Isaiah if I could post a link of his website on my blog.  Once you see the videos and his talent, I think he was the one that did me a favour.

Enjoy!





http://www.isaiahgibbons.com/html/video.html

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Leash Walking - Part II

As a follow-up to a comment from my previous post, I have found a solution to the debate on whether you can walk a fish on a leash or not.  A little investigative work.  See below:


You all might laugh at this photo, but I guarantee you - if it hasn't been done already - in about 20 years the way that science and genetically modified everything is going, you'll be able to buy one of these in your local pet store or supermarket.

Question:  Would you consider that surf or turf?

Friday, June 3, 2011

Things You Can Walk On A Leash

This evening in London, I saw a guy and a girl walking down the street.  The lady was walking a small brown weiner/wiener dog, and I figured the guy was battling with a puppy having trouble on a leash.  Anyone who has ever owned or just walked a puppy, realizes that you have to teach a dog how to do it properly.

So I sat looking from my apartment window trying to see what kind of puppy it was.  I thought it strange - and a little cool - that it was a white weiner dog.  Then I realized that the weiner dog was walking a little strange.  Its movements were a little "un-dog" like.  Then I realized that this young guy, wearing $150 Nike Airmax running shoes, had a ferret on a leash.  Yes, a ferret.  A giant rat on a leash.

The one I saw wasn't wearing a pink jumper, but it looked exactly like the above photo.

So this has prompted me to make a list of things/animals approved by Christopher Stuart Taylor that can be walked on a leash:

Dogs:



Goats/Sheep:



Cows:



Children:

If you have the slightest inclination to put your cat, bunny, lizard, goldfish, spouse, or anything living or otherwise on a leash and walk them in public, think twice.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Gender Bender

If you haven't heard about the "storm" Storm and his/her parents have been causing through the Toronto Star, check out this video:


I've been following the story through the Star since it came out and been paying attention to some of the fallout.  Without getting into a debate about gender, parenting, children, Canadians, or the flack that man who lets his boy wear dresses probably gets from his own parents, or anything in between, I'm going to say that this is pretty much an open and shut case.

Yes, gender is a social construction, and outside of standing up and peeing or pushing out babies, a woman can do anything a man can do.  And vice versa.

But I think this debate centres around the child's sex and not his/her gender.  They say only one family friend outside of the immediate family knows the baby's sex, but unless babies are still being delivered by storks or grow in cabbage patches, this "secret" isn't much of a secret.

I really don't care what the child's gender, sex, species, colour, blood type, is.  And for a four month old, all it really knows how to do is pee, poo, vomit, dribble, and cry.  And it's safe to say that baby boy and baby girl bowel movements are equally as delightful.

I have no children, so I can't tell someone else how to raise their child.  But when I do have kids, I'll force my son from young to kill what he eats, wear Old Spice, and pee outdoors.  Why?  Cause that's what men are supposed to do, right?