Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Where (When) I'd Go in a Time Machine

It's been recently proven that driving a DeLorean won't actually take anyone back to the future.  But, all is not lost.  There is currently at least one scientist out there in the world trying to dispute this fact and is about to launch an eco-friendly time traveling device in the near future.  It even seats two.

On that note, I've thought of dates I'd like to go once I've signed up for my ride(s) in the Time Box.

2004:

To beat Zuckerberg up and claim Facebook as my own.

1996:

To watch the Atlanta 100m final.

1994:

Marry Patricia Lynn Mallette

1988:

To tell Ben Johnson to come second in the 100m final.  At the end of the day 9.79 doesn't mean much of anything anymore.

1986:

You ever heard of that expression, "You behave like you made yourself?"  Enough said.

Early 1970s:

Buy a lifetime supply of gas.

Early 1970s:

Buy shares in any oil company.

1968:

Hit James Earl Ray with a big rock.

1965:

Tell Malcolm X to stay home.

1945:

Stop the US from dropping those bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Taking an innocent life doesn't save an innocent one.

1884:

Stop the Berlin Conference by showing Europeans that wanted colonization leads to unwanted immigration a couple centuries later (I'm looking directly at you France and Britain).

Early 1860s:

Fight in the US Civil War.

1834:

On a plantation in Barbados to celebrate Emancipation.  Then teach Freed Blacks how to read and write and buy beach front real estate.

1791:

Fight in the Haitian Revolution, then fly in my combat helicopter from island to island, slave colony to slave colony, spreading revolution.  Then I'd put an embargo on Europe and see how they like being underdeveloped for the rest of eternity.

1763:

Tell France to keep Guadeloupe instead of Canada.  It'll pay off in the long run for Acadians and Quebecois.

1611:

Edit the King James version of the Bible.  Throw in some real life prophesies like the world will not come to an end on May 21st, 2011.

15th Century:

Tell the Portuguese that oil will be worth more than African Slaves.

1095:

Videotape the Crusades then post them on youtube.

Year 30:

Create Christopherism.


Monday, August 29, 2011

A Bieberism

A Bieberism: To say something foolish that clearly you know nothing about.

Scroll to 1:20.



Friday, August 26, 2011

Screw My PhD

***Rant Warning***

This is a perfect follow-up to my last post on my possible non-PhD occupations.  This may be old news to some, but I was just made aware of it.  It has to do with a real life umpa lumpa (without Charlie) getting paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers University.  Yes, I said Rutgers.  I didn't say the University of Fabutan or DeVry, but Rutgers.  Ya, Rutgers ain't Princeton, but it's still a reputable university.

Prof Snooks

I'm not even going to ask why Snooki of Jersey Shore fame was invited to speak at Rutgers Inc.  Or that she was paid more money than Toni Morrison  We all know it has to do about money, publicity, and notoriety.  I'm not a fool to think that.  Nor, am I going to debate the Jersey Shore show or the fact that they make $100,000 per episode (13 episodes in a season, you do the math).

I'm just saying that I'm doing it all wrong.  I could publish 32 books as Dr. Taylor, spend 32 years in academia and Rutgers would probably give me about $32.00 to speak in front of about 32 students that are getting marked for attendance.  Yes, 32 dollars.  Don't let the decimal point play tricks with your eyes.

The good news for me is that I go to THE University of Western Ontario.  UWO is ranked in Playboy's top 10 party schools in the US (yes, UWO is so partylific that it made it on a US ranking.  And it's ranked numero #4).

There is still hope for my $32,000 a speech quest. 

First, I need to finish my PhD so I can have some kind of credibility and so that I can have an "interesting fact" on my IMDB page.  "Did you know The Doctor is actually a doctor?"

Second, I need to forgo my African Gym mentality and start doing some curls for the girls in the gym.  Add in some glorified grunts when I'm benching.

Third, I need to cut my locks and get myself a jheri curl a la Eriq La Salle from Coming to America.


Fourth, I need to fly to Regina and adopt myself a White baby (all famous people have inter-racial adoptions.  Duh.)

Fifth, I need to adopt four more White babies.

Sixth, I need a sex tape with Rihanna.  Or Beyonce.  Or Lady Gaga.  On second thought, cut the Lady Gaga sex tape.  Gay rumors kill careers.

Seventh, I need to grow about 6 inches taller and change my last name to something that ends in -ozzi, -sito, or -uno.

And finally, I need to wake up every morning and convince myself that the world is a better place when we hold up idiots on pedestals.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

If I Wasn't Doing my PhD

Outside of having the time to work on my blog and troll youtube looking for honey badgers, doing a PhD isn't all that glamorous.  So in light of that tidbit, here are some occupations that I'd be doing if I wasn't a PhD student:

Bus driver:

 

Maybe not a school bus, but I like driving.  I could see myself driving across the Serengeti on a 16 hour haul with only pee break.

Hurling Player:



The coolest sport I've never heard of until recently.  I've got Irish blood swimming around in me somewhere, so why not get back to my roots?

Garbage Man:



I get plenty of fresh air, work decent hours and get to ride outside of a truck.  That's the life.

Obeah Man:


I don't know if I'd have such a cool looking get up, but where else could I cast spells like I should be in a Disney movie?

Honey Badger:



Ya, I know it's an animal.  But you can't tell me that's not one of the coolest animals you've never heard of.  Some kids wanted to grow up being half spider or half bat, so don't squash my dream of being full badger.  DC Comics take note of your next superhero: HBMan.

Repo Man:


They legally steal cars.  Enough said.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Incredible Honey Badger!

In my next life I want to be a crazy nastyass honey badger.  I am serious.  I want to fight a cobra and lose, but win.  I'd drink tiger blood for breakfast.  If I could have a pet honey badger, I would name him Charlie Sheen.  He's winning!


Saturday, August 20, 2011

To: TMZ. Re: Rihanna

When everyone was up in arms about Rihanna's "raunchy" outfit from Kadooment, someone forgot to post this photo:


I'm talking about the guy in the green.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Things Rich People Do (or Don't)

When I'm talking about rich, I don't mean those people that say they have money and flaunt it.  Going on cruises and buying their kids PS3s and their wives new handbags.  Nope, I'm talking about slave owner rich.  The guy that owns the land that the guy with money built his house on.  The guy that keeps his money in Swiss banks and takes a yacht to work.  Wealthy people.  Dirty money, clean money, laundered with Tide money, it doesn't matter.

So what do rich people do or don't do?

They don't vote:

Why vote when you've got money?  Most politicians scream about tax cuts and saving the "working families" money.  Talks about public transit, public services, public healthcare are always in the news and usually what gets politicians elected.  So why vote if you never ride the bus?  Why vote if you end all your checkups by writing a cheque?  Why vote when you've got a buddy like Warren Buffett who says he and his 10 million dollar plus a year cronies have so much money that they wouldn't mind being taxed more?  Why vote when you own the politicians?

They don't watch the news:

Why watch the news when you create it and skew it to make you feel good like Rupert Murdoch?

They have a cure for HIV/AIDS:

Is it just me, or is Magic Johnson a poster boy for this revelation.  The man was HIV/AIDS positive at a time when it was still a "gay" disease and ARVs were nothing like what they are now.  Earvin had some magic.

They can be womanizers and women still would want to have their baby:

Insert Lil Wayne here.  If I got two women pregnant at the same time and none were my actual girlfriend or wive, I'd be on an episode of Maury.  The joke is, both women knew about it.  Alicia Keys gets an honourable mention here for the female equivalent.

They don't care about you:

Do you really think Wall Street cares about Main Street?  When you're worrying about rising gas prices, RF (rich folks) are glad BP turned the Gulf into an oil field cause they wanted the stocks to drop so they could buy them.  You're driving your 1.4L Fiat trying to save the world one gas pump at a time, while RFs cruise around in their gas guzzling 5.5L V12 Maybachs.

The Universe is their backyard:

You thought your last all-inclusive vacation to Cuba was the vacation to end all vacations.  RFs go to space.  Enough said.

They know money buys happiness:

Unless that guy lying on a sewer grate on Bay Street trying to keep warm from that course of Indian food that passed through your body the night before is hiding the key to life in his old Tim Hortons cup, flying around the world in your G6 and eating baked Dodo bird (RFs are so rich that they eat animals we think are extinct) is the key to happiness.  We sing about G6s while they own them.

They don't go to jail:

Minus Conrad Black, rich people don't go to jail.  And if they do, a la Martha Stewart, prison is more summer camp kumbaya than Tom DuBois' anal rape nightmare.  In rich prison you can drop your bar of Irish Spring or Protex and not worry about how you're going to poo for the next week and a half.

They don't die:

They just have their bodies cryogenically frozen to be revived by microwave at a later date.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

LeBron Should Play in Somalia

Now that NBA players left and right are signing contracts to play in Europe during the lockout (to make money - oops - I mean keep in shape), I've chosen a few places where I think these players would have the greatest impact on world issues and current affairs:

Somalia:

At least in Tanzania, you can buy a kilo of rice for about 50 cents.  I'm no mathematician, but if the NBA really "Cares" and you're not getting paid anyways, LeBron James can save a lot of lives and win over some disgruntled Cleveland fans by donating some of his $14.5 million salary he made this past season.  (For the record $1M could buy 2,000,000 kilos of rice.)

England:

With the past riots and the beloved failure of my SAW programme, I think someone like Ron Artest - ahem - Metta World Peace - could really send his message of peace, love, and rehabilitation to the disenfranchised youth.  Just a few years ago he was causing riots in the stands and now he's changed his name.  If MWP can't do it, no one can.

Israel/Palestine/Syria/Libya:

Basketball is already pretty popular in the Middle East and North Africa, so why not get your name out there and broker peace like what Didier Drogba did for his native Cote D'Ivoire?  Young people care more about sport idols than they do for old senile archaic politicians.  Next time someone decides to have a "Decision" on live TV, how about making it more than where you're going to bounce your balls around to make a bazillion dollars.

Norway:

The NBA wants further expansion in Europe.  Start with Norway.  After seeing disengaged UK youth, we've already forgotten about the senseless mass killing of Norwegian young future leaders not even a month ago.  Dirk and Tony, Norway ain't that far from Germany and France.

Washington, D.C.:

For all these guys that preach Obama and how proud they were when he was elected, how about you send him out a lifesaver for the 2012 election?  Hey Kobe and Dwight, who did y'all vote for?


Friday, August 12, 2011

Beat Your Kids (SAW)

Obama, Harper and Cameron got it all wrong (maybe not Cameron cause he said straight up that one of the reasons for the unrest in the UK is cause of bad parenting).  We don't need to spend millions of pounds or dollars on social programmes, prisons, behavioural drugs and the like to fix our social and political woes.  What we need is this:



We need to get like Rick James and forget English as the international language and make it five fingers instead (just not to the face or with any kind of malice).



We as a society spend way too much time trying to figure out how to solve the world's problems and we forget how parents (and the school system and religion) used to raise law abiding citizens.  They gave them one hard slap.

Here's my historical reasoning:

- Jesus was beat for the eternal sins and wrong doings of Christians until the end of time.  (And crucified for that matter.  Disclaimer: By no means am I saying to nail your children to a cross if they misbehave.)
- If Portuguese and Spanish parents in the 16th century gave their children a Slap-A-Week or "SAW" we would've of never had African slavery in the Americas.
- If mother and father Hitler gave their son a SAW, we would've never had the WWII and the Holocaust.
- Alexander Graham Bell was SAWed and he invented the telephone
- Bill Gates was SAWed and perfected a medium for me to write this blog
- Jim Balsille was SAWed and created BBM
- Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, all given SAWs as children.

Whether you like him or not, David Cameron manned up and blamed bad parenting for a lot of the underage rioters in the streets.  While I personally believe it is a much deeper issue of social inequality and limited economic opportunities of a disengaged youth (similar to the "Arab Spring") and one big ol' frig up system controlled by The (senile) Man, how else do you explain an 11 year old rioter?

When your 11 year old son leaves the house at midnight wearing a balaclava, hoodie, gloves, and a cricket bat in the middle of August and says "I'm going by Johnny to do homework", I think he's lying to you.  Not only is he lying to you, you're the bigger idiot allowing your child to be even up that late.  And when he comes home wearing 3 watches, a new pair of Jordans and smells like tear gas?  Oye.

Underage smoking and drinking: SAW
Kids talking back in school: SAW
Bullying: SAW
Child Obesity: SAW (especially while they're eating)
Youth Crime and Violence: SAW
Scabicals: SAW
Skinny Shorts (Capri Pants): SAW
Bad politicians: SAW

If people worry about what young people are doing to the world now, imagine what will happen when they are the ones running it.  Or worse yet, the ones taking care of an aging population.

Save a life and SAW your children.  They'll be the ones to thank you in the future.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Obama: Worst President in US History?

First off, I disagree with that statement.  If you just want to look back from the second half of the 20th century, Nixon and Bush I & II rank pretty high up on the list.

But for anyone that's been following the Obama Administration for the past few years and the "shit-hit-the-fan debt ceiling crisis" you would think that Obama got the short end of the stick when it comes to US Presidential history.

It's like you're the poor janitor that just got hired and has to make sure the bathroom is spick and span after a salmonella outbreak at a Pizza Day at an elementary school.  It's not your fault the kids got sick and could only make it to the bathroom but not the toilet, and now you've got to clean stomach blendered pepperonis, cheerios, milk, and pasta sauce off the ground.  To make matters worse, you've only got one evening to clean up a week's worth of work before a probation performance review from the principal.  If Pizza Day were next week, and the school didn't buy pizzas off the back of a truck, and you didn't promise in your interview that the school would never be dirty under your watch or they could fire you, you'd be home free.  Only if.

So here we've got Obama on the possible brink of another Recession.  (First off, how are we in another recession when we still haven't come out of the last?)  He's come in from the bullpen down 15 runs and on the hook for the loss.  He's that first round draft pick that gets caught picking his nose by the camera and then has to come in off the bench for the Raptors in garbage time down 45 points.  Not his fault his team - the Bush economy, Wall Street, the Republican Party, - sucks, but he's going to be on the court at the final buzzer.

Obama's being tea bagged by the Tea Party and sodomized by the Senate while the lemon car of an economy he bought without a CarProof History Report is slowly dying in the driveway.

Ya, no one told Obama to run for President, or even take the job for that matter.  And most would say that he knew what he was getting into.  But how will history see him?

Will he be remembered as the first Black President of the United States of America?  The one that beat all odds (I personally never thought I'd see an African-American President in my lifetime) and literally changed the face of history?  The one that hunted down and killed history's most infamous terrorist?  Or will he be remembered as the Black man that guided US economic supremacy as a superpower straight into the hands of Beijing?

History is a funny thing in that it isn't necessarily always the truth.  History - and the truth - is subjective.  Some may see Baby Bush as a War Hero, others may see him as an alcoholic terrorist with shits and giggles for brains.  Some may see China as the next superduper power, others may see it as the world's greatest human rights disaster.

History is written by the victor, and if Obama loses this battle in his own backyard, the "Black" in "First Black President" may be the only thing that's remembered.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Rihanna Loud Concert Barbados

I left Barbados before the Loud concert at Kensington Oval in Barbados this past Friday, but I did hear from close friends and relatives that it was a world class performance from a world class performer.

Whether you like Rihanna, Ri-Ri, Miss Fenty, or whomever you want to call her, you've got to give credit where credit is due.  And for all the hating (I still don't like her as an artiste and she doesn't have any real singing talent), she's one of the most famous women in the world and comes from an island not much bigger than the size of a university campus (Barbados is 166 square miles for the record with a population of approximately 300,000).

You can't say she put Barbados on the map, because it's been on it since 1627.  And I don't think it's a contest between her and Errol Barrow (Barbados' first Prime Minister) and a few hundred other prominent Bajans in history as to who is more important.

And let's be honest, people will be getting drunk off of Malibu rum long after Rihanna's career is done and she's hosting BET's 106 & Park with Chris Brown.

But I will say, she's one lucky woman and she's living a life that most people can only dream of.

I mean, who wouldn't want to go for a ride on a big pink tank?


Or wear fruit loop underwear instead of fruit of the looms?


Doesn't the thought of becoming a new instrument - a guitass 6:10 - sound appealing?


Or be a singing and dancing lawyer?


Or better yet, a Pilates instructor?


But all jokes aside, even though I don't like her, she's doing something big for Barbados.  Huge.

(All photos from her Loud Concert in Barbados August 5th, 2011.  I didn't take them, so I can't take credit.)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Rihanna at Kadooment Pics

I'm no big Rihanna fan.  I like her music, but don't really care for her as an artiste (I also don't care for people like Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber - studio created packages with no real talent).  

But today at Kadooment I got to see Rihanna live and in colour.  She was in the same band I jumped in (Baje International).  She's here at home in Barbados for her Loud Tour concert on Friday which is the biggest thing since sliced bread to go down here.  There's no Canadian equivalent to compare it to the hype and talk that surrounds it.  Not even Canada winning hockey gold at the Olympics compares.

I've seen Rihanna in Barbados a few years ago at a party, but this was before Ri-Ri was sleeping in the last king bed in California as the only girl in the world and Chris Brown was still Christopher getting beat by his mother.

Enjoy the pics. 



 Don't even think that what she was wearing or doing was scandalous.  I saw plenty of babies being conceived on the streets of Barbados today.





Kadooment

Pics from Kadooment (like the Caribana parade, but bigger and 100 times better for those that don't know).  The photos and video speak for themselves.  If you ever have the opportunity to go to Barbados for Crop Over, you'll have an experience of a lifetime.

 Starting the day with all my costume pieces.
 Sky setting up for the rain that did come.
 Baje International (the band I was in) getting ready to hit the road.
 On the road.
 Sky turned black and opened up, but it only added to the fun and cooled everyone off.
 If you're afraid of crowds, this ain't the place for you.



 Only the shorts left from my costume.
 The end of the parade route.
Great time at Kadooment and in Barbados.  Work hard, play harder.

video