Thursday, June 30, 2011

My Canada Day Top Ten

Since my Father's Day top ten was a hit, and tomorrow is the 144th anniversary of Confederation in Canada (Canada Day), I've decided to showcase some of the best that Canada and Canadians have to offer.  Enjoy.

PDS - Public Displays of Sex:

In most countries PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) are enough to turn some heads or even land you in prison.  Not so in Canada.  Not only can you do the do in the middle of the street, but you'll even get full police escort to protect that right.

Hallowe'en in July:

This one is for the kiddies, or the kids at heart.  It's November 21st and you're already longing to throw on that police uniform or leopard print leotard and Twisted Sister wig.  In most other countries, you'd have to wait another 11 months to put on that lipstick and eye shadow.  Come to Canada (specifically Toronto) and you can dress up (or down or wear nothing at all) and celebrate Hallowe'en with a million other people minus the candy and the cold weather.

Justin Bieber:

We Canadians are open minded, tolerant, and accepting of all races, religions, and sexual orientations.  Take for instance Justin Bieber.  This young Canadian export is arguably the most famous transgendered celebrity this world has ever seen, next to RuPaul of course. (I think Bieber's actually an androgynous lab creation by the music industry to suck parents dry of their hard earned dollars and a generation of young women's common sense.)

Stephen Harper:

Who can resist our George Bush loving, tax cutting, "I smoke crystal meth" ice cold eyed, PM?  One of our greatest leaders and should be celebrated as such by Postmen and women from sea to sea.

Smartest Taxi Drivers in the World:

Most people would prefer getting sick or having a heart attack in hospital.  Yes, in the rest of the world that makes perfect sense because there are doctors everywhere to save your life.  But in Canada we have come up with a highly effective solution to alleviate the pressure on our healthcare system - taxi drivers.  We have an ingenious immigration system where doctors migrate from all over the world and work undercover as taxi drivers.  Next time you cut off your big toe or your water just broke and want to call 911, think twice and dial 416 TAXI-CAB (GTA residents only, please).

Snow:

After living near the equator for a third of the year, I realized that these poor people suffering from year round summer weather will never get to enjoy that quintessential Canadian delight - frostbite.  Don't donate bikes, or food, or clothes, send the gift of snow.  We know they need it.

Blackberry:

Not much good comes from anything west of Mississauga, but RIM (Research In Motion) the company that makes BlackBerrys in Waterloo is one of the few exceptions (honourable mention goes out to Vancouver's safe-injection sites.  Where else can you shoot up and get a safe place to sleep in case you OD?).

Ben Johnson:

Before Usain Bolt, Asafa Powell, Tim Montgomery, Maurice Greene, Carl Lewis or Donovan Bailey, he was the fastest man in the world and he was Canadian.  If Charlie Sheen can take steroids so that he can keep winning even in a scripted movie that he was going to win anyways, what's wrong with Ben doing it in the real thing?

Tim Hortons:

Every morning millions of Canadians wake up, get dressed, and go and get their fix from the first and only legalized drug pusher in our great nation.  He's on every corner, open 24/7, and you can even drive thru if you don't want anyone to see you getting out of your car.  His name is Tim and has millions of Canadians addicted like what Reagan did with crack to Black Americans in the 80s.

The Seal Hunt:

Most people see the above critter as a little cute baby seal worthy of being cuddled and loved.  As proud Canadians, we see a new jacket, a nice warm toque, and maybe even a pair of underwear.  We love our animals, but we love to club them to death and wear their fur even more.  Don't let a cute face fool you, we Canadians know that behind those big eyes and soft fur is a terrorist hiding WMDs.

4 comments:

  1. Finally! A list celebrating Canada that doesn't mention beer, bacon or bear claws!

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  2. PS: is the snow photo a shot of you after a trayboganning accident?

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  3. That snow photo is me! lol

    Gotta love our ingenious immigration system!

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  4. Don't let these taxi drivers fool you.

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