Sunday, June 19, 2011

My Father's Day Top Ten

In comparison to Mother's Day, fathers get no love.  And for the most part it's pretty well justified.  Most single parents are mothers, who not only have to be a mom but a dad too.  But I've decided to post a tribute to what I consider history's top ten greatest fathers (the order is arbitrary because each one is number one in his own right).

Joseph (Jesus' dad):

This man gets little credit.  And I'm here to give credit where credit is due.  Not only is he the father of World's most famous man, but he stood by his woman and raised a son that wasn't biologically his.  How many men you know in the 21st century would buy the argument that his virgin wife got pregnant by immaculate conception?  I can see a Maury episode in the works right there: "God is my baby daddy".

George Bush (Bush's dad):

He started it all in the Gulf and has to be the proudest father the world has ever seen.  Not only did he spawn a successful son, but one who walked exactly in his footsteps as President and leader of the Free World (and bombs and death in the Middle East).  "When I grow up, I want to be exactly like my dad!"  Good thing Hitler had no children.

Osama bin Laden (the father of many children around the world):

Was your dad the most wanted man in the history of the World?  Enough said.

Michael Jackson (Blanket, Quilt, Sheet, Comforter, Duvet, and Pillow's dad):

I first thought that Joe Jackson should make this list because he was Michael Jackson's dad.  But then it makes a whole lot more sense to just put Junior J on the list instead.  The bedroom set children can go to school with their heads held high and say that their daddy was the King of Pop.

Mike Tyson (dad to 8 kids and one helpless pigeon):

Growing up, your father is supposed to be your protector.  He keeps you safe from the bogeyman, stray dogs, and potential boyfriends.  Who better to protect you than Tyson?  He will bite another man's ear off, but still be gentle enough to snuggle a white flying rat.

Jon (another father of 8):

Kate left Jon for the bright lights of TLC reality stardom and decided to take their 8 children with her.  For most deadbeat dads that would probably be the best thing that could ever happen to him.  But not Jon.  The greatest Korean-American father of Korean-American-American sextuplets and twins on TLC ever.  Ever.

Thomas Jefferson (father of Black and White Americans)

I could pretty much swap Jefferson for any other slave owning father (or slave master) in world history.  One of the reasons for the One Drop Rule in the US and gives me something to study.  Got to give props to that.

Martin Sheen (Charlie Sheen and the Mighty Ducks guy's dad):

If one of my son's movie roles gave birth to an NHL hockey team, and the other one had tiger blood and was winning at anything and everything he did, I think that makes me the world's luckiest father.  Martin Sheen is winning at life.

Beer Dad:

This guy is smart.  He knows that in about 18 years his child will be off to college somewhere and living on her own.  What better thing to do but give her the taste of beer as a baby so she won't be tempted later on in life?  Nothing like a hangover young when someone else can clean up your mess.  Beer is better than milk for a child.  Molson says so.

The Most Interesting Dad in the World:

If your Dad could stare down his own shadow, or tame a cougar, or break a less interesting man's jaw with his words, you'd think he was a top notch dad too.


  1. LOL Emilio doesn't even get named. He is kind of a disappointment considering his big brother's fame (infamy?).

  2. LOL that was too funny. sometimes I wonder if we are really related. you come up with some interesting things.

  3. Cara, you're interesting too! I'm sure you're related.

  4. For the record, Cara is my big sister.