Friday, August 19, 2011

Things Rich People Do (or Don't)

When I'm talking about rich, I don't mean those people that say they have money and flaunt it.  Going on cruises and buying their kids PS3s and their wives new handbags.  Nope, I'm talking about slave owner rich.  The guy that owns the land that the guy with money built his house on.  The guy that keeps his money in Swiss banks and takes a yacht to work.  Wealthy people.  Dirty money, clean money, laundered with Tide money, it doesn't matter.

So what do rich people do or don't do?

They don't vote:

Why vote when you've got money?  Most politicians scream about tax cuts and saving the "working families" money.  Talks about public transit, public services, public healthcare are always in the news and usually what gets politicians elected.  So why vote if you never ride the bus?  Why vote if you end all your checkups by writing a cheque?  Why vote when you've got a buddy like Warren Buffett who says he and his 10 million dollar plus a year cronies have so much money that they wouldn't mind being taxed more?  Why vote when you own the politicians?

They don't watch the news:

Why watch the news when you create it and skew it to make you feel good like Rupert Murdoch?

They have a cure for HIV/AIDS:

Is it just me, or is Magic Johnson a poster boy for this revelation.  The man was HIV/AIDS positive at a time when it was still a "gay" disease and ARVs were nothing like what they are now.  Earvin had some magic.

They can be womanizers and women still would want to have their baby:

Insert Lil Wayne here.  If I got two women pregnant at the same time and none were my actual girlfriend or wive, I'd be on an episode of Maury.  The joke is, both women knew about it.  Alicia Keys gets an honourable mention here for the female equivalent.

They don't care about you:

Do you really think Wall Street cares about Main Street?  When you're worrying about rising gas prices, RF (rich folks) are glad BP turned the Gulf into an oil field cause they wanted the stocks to drop so they could buy them.  You're driving your 1.4L Fiat trying to save the world one gas pump at a time, while RFs cruise around in their gas guzzling 5.5L V12 Maybachs.

The Universe is their backyard:

You thought your last all-inclusive vacation to Cuba was the vacation to end all vacations.  RFs go to space.  Enough said.

They know money buys happiness:

Unless that guy lying on a sewer grate on Bay Street trying to keep warm from that course of Indian food that passed through your body the night before is hiding the key to life in his old Tim Hortons cup, flying around the world in your G6 and eating baked Dodo bird (RFs are so rich that they eat animals we think are extinct) is the key to happiness.  We sing about G6s while they own them.

They don't go to jail:

Minus Conrad Black, rich people don't go to jail.  And if they do, a la Martha Stewart, prison is more summer camp kumbaya than Tom DuBois' anal rape nightmare.  In rich prison you can drop your bar of Irish Spring or Protex and not worry about how you're going to poo for the next week and a half.

They don't die:

They just have their bodies cryogenically frozen to be revived by microwave at a later date.


  1. I had to Google baked Dodo bird to make sure that it's not a dish served at the restaurant in the dining room at the Burj al Arab.

  2. P.S. How do you know so much about rich people!?

  3. Cause my goal in life is to have enough money that I can eat BBQed Tasmanian Tiger.

  4. I like this topic... Where did you get the idea?

    Protex! I really hope that soap is not available in RF Prison.