I was watching the promos on TV recruiting for the The Bachelor Canada, and thought to myself: "who needs sex education in school when your six year old can learn about the birds and the bees through legalized prostitution on prime time?"
With that, here are what I consider the best things TV teaches our future about sex, love, and relationships:
1. No matter how ugly you are, there's someone out there that'll sleep with you before you're 40. I learned this one watching an oompa loompa find love on MTV.
2. Contrary to popular belief, HIV/AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, the clap, and all those scary diseases "science" and those Trojan ads like to scare you with, STIs don't exist. If all the cool kids are having unprotected sex, it can't be bad for your health, right?
3. Why do those priests always say "til death do you part" when they really mean "til you find another person that you can humiliate in front of millions of people"?
4. Again, contrary to popular belief, and that pesky thing called "science", women can get women pregnant.
5. In a move that set feminism back to the beginning of time, but has tattooed a great learning lesson to six year old boys and girls around the world: domestic violence is A-OK. The Grammys, the NBA, BET, Much Music, and MTV say so.
6. Prostitution is the best way to find a man that'll love you forever. And ever. And ever. Wait, or maybe until the season finale.
7. Men don't think about sex with women all the time. They also like to spend hours and hours and hours in bars and basements all over the world watching grown ass men in spandex underwear mount other men. I also learned that homosexuality is a very fluid concept in society.
8. See above.
9. Ever wondered why your parents built you that new bedroom in the basement that doubles as a sound proof bomb shelter when you still hadn't moved out come your 43rd birthday?
10. Unless you've got money, you're shit out of luck trying to find yourself a mate.
With that, here are what I consider the best things TV teaches our future about sex, love, and relationships:
1. No matter how ugly you are, there's someone out there that'll sleep with you before you're 40. I learned this one watching an oompa loompa find love on MTV.
2. Contrary to popular belief, HIV/AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, the clap, and all those scary diseases "science" and those Trojan ads like to scare you with, STIs don't exist. If all the cool kids are having unprotected sex, it can't be bad for your health, right?
3. Why do those priests always say "til death do you part" when they really mean "til you find another person that you can humiliate in front of millions of people"?
4. Again, contrary to popular belief, and that pesky thing called "science", women can get women pregnant.
5. In a move that set feminism back to the beginning of time, but has tattooed a great learning lesson to six year old boys and girls around the world: domestic violence is A-OK. The Grammys, the NBA, BET, Much Music, and MTV say so.
6. Prostitution is the best way to find a man that'll love you forever. And ever. And ever. Wait, or maybe until the season finale.
7. Men don't think about sex with women all the time. They also like to spend hours and hours and hours in bars and basements all over the world watching grown ass men in spandex underwear mount other men. I also learned that homosexuality is a very fluid concept in society.
8. See above.
9. Ever wondered why your parents built you that new bedroom in the basement that doubles as a sound proof bomb shelter when you still hadn't moved out come your 43rd birthday?
10. Unless you've got money, you're shit out of luck trying to find yourself a mate.
lmao your revelations are soo true my friend!
ReplyDeleteIt's sad, but true. Sad, sad, sad.
ReplyDelete