DogMan finally bought me that iPad I asked for about 10 dog years ago. I wanted a laptop, then I realized it would be kinda hard to type considering I don't have any bionic thumps (thanks again, DogMan), so the touch screen was the way to go.
I did a little bit of googling. Took a nap. Googled some more. Sniffed my privates. Googled some more. Licked my privates. And then googled some more. After all that, outside of playing Angry Birds, I realized the internet is just one giant human porno shop.
Then when I thought all hope was lost, I stumbled on a Doggie Dating site.
At first I thought it was pretty cool. Even without a uterus, I would still get a chance to get wined and dined by some of the neighbourhood dog eunuchs. At least I wouldn't have to worry about giving it up on the first date.
Then I thought, wait a second, who is controlling the site? I'm not the one putting up my profile. It would be DogMan! I know prostitution is legal, but still, this is pretty well sex slavery. At least prostitutes get paid some kind of money, I just get the same damn stale-ass kibble day in and day out. Does that seem fair to you?
Does it seem fair that humans are selling off their dogs for money? When's the last time I asked DogMan for a friend? When's the last time I said "hey DogMan, I'm a bitch, and I'd really like you to find me a partner that can reaffirm my bitch status. Well really, I'm only half a bitch, cause you ripped out my uterus so you can hear me tell you this"?
To make it worse, you're gonna put that photo up of me that I absolutely hate. You know the one I'm talking about, DogMan. The one where you've got me salivating for a damn french fry that you've taped to the top of my head and that I couldn't shake off to eat for nothing. BASTARD.
Don't worry, now that I have my iPad, I'm gonna start taking photos of you when you're shaving your legs and post them all over my new twitter account. Tweet that, DogMan.