Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Biggest Cheats in Sports

Well, now that one of the worst kept secrets has come out about Lance Armstrong being a "fraud" and having "no place in cycling", I think it's time for me to have a list of my biggest cheats in sports.  And for the record, I don't believe Armstrong is such a terrible person - the man raised over $500 million dollars for cancer research.  What good has Gretzky or Jordan done for humanity?  Exactly.

Gary Bettman:

NHL lockout anyone?

Carl Lewis:

If you watched the 9.79 documentary about the 1988 Olympic 100m final (one of the best documentaries ever made in my opinion), you'd realize that Carl Lewis is the biggest ass - and cheat - in sports.  Andre Jackson, anyone?  Oh, and I think Carl is lying about his sexuality too.  I've got keyhole vision when it comes to these things.

John Calipari:

He's the University of Kentucky men's basketball coach.  Ask him how many of his players actually graduate every year.

Italian Football Fans:

Damn racist xenophobes.  One of your best players is a Black immigrant.  Get over it.  (Feel free to add a caption to this photo.)

Every single East German Olympic Athlete:

I think this one is self-explanatory.  But if it isn't, the reason why Heidi is now Andreas is because East Germany pumped her full of testosterone that it turned her into a man.  (That's the Christopher-esque explanation for it.  Drugs had the opposite effect on Carl Lewis.  See the YouTube video.)


All your teams suck.  What else?  They keep on getting worse every year.  What else?  You're one of the richest conglomerates in all sports.


Outside of the combat sports (boxing, mma, K1, etc.), I'm not sure how many other sports you are trained and encouraged to kill another human being.  I don't blame the players, I blame the NFL.  They say they're all about "player safety" and fine people for "dangerous" hits, but check it, that's like putting a filter on a cigarette and encouraging 10 year olds to take up smoking.  The NFL's solution?  Putting kevlar in helmets.  Screw tackling, let's just shoot these SOBs.  Go HAM cause YOLO!

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