Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Biggest Cheats in Sports

Well, now that one of the worst kept secrets has come out about Lance Armstrong being a "fraud" and having "no place in cycling", I think it's time for me to have a list of my biggest cheats in sports.  And for the record, I don't believe Armstrong is such a terrible person - the man raised over $500 million dollars for cancer research.  What good has Gretzky or Jordan done for humanity?  Exactly.

Gary Bettman:


NHL lockout anyone?

Carl Lewis:


If you watched the 9.79 documentary about the 1988 Olympic 100m final (one of the best documentaries ever made in my opinion), you'd realize that Carl Lewis is the biggest ass - and cheat - in sports.  Andre Jackson, anyone?  Oh, and I think Carl is lying about his sexuality too.  I've got keyhole vision when it comes to these things.

John Calipari:


He's the University of Kentucky men's basketball coach.  Ask him how many of his players actually graduate every year.

Italian Football Fans:


Damn racist xenophobes.  One of your best players is a Black immigrant.  Get over it.  (Feel free to add a caption to this photo.)

Every single East German Olympic Athlete:


I think this one is self-explanatory.  But if it isn't, the reason why Heidi is now Andreas is because East Germany pumped her full of testosterone that it turned her into a man.  (That's the Christopher-esque explanation for it.  Drugs had the opposite effect on Carl Lewis.  See the YouTube video.)

MLSE:


All your teams suck.  What else?  They keep on getting worse every year.  What else?  You're one of the richest conglomerates in all sports.

NFL:


Outside of the combat sports (boxing, mma, K1, etc.), I'm not sure how many other sports you are trained and encouraged to kill another human being.  I don't blame the players, I blame the NFL.  They say they're all about "player safety" and fine people for "dangerous" hits, but check it, that's like putting a filter on a cigarette and encouraging 10 year olds to take up smoking.  The NFL's solution?  Putting kevlar in helmets.  Screw tackling, let's just shoot these SOBs.  Go HAM cause YOLO!

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