Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Chronicles of Queen Rhodesia: March 1st, 2012 - The Time Machine

Five times a day DogMan takes me into a time machine.  Let me describe it to you:

We leave apartment 4P and walk about 20 metres down the hall.  There are two time machines on the third floor and two more on the 4th floor and each one takes me somewhere different.

Once we get to the door of the time machine, DogMan makes me sit while he presses a button and waits for it to warm up.  Before he used to let me walk to it without a leash on, but then one day I decided to chase down some old woman who I thought was breaking into another apartment, so from then on he keeps me on a leash when we leave apartment 4P.

Finally the big shiny doors slide open and we step into the portal and DogMan presses another button.  I think this is where he puts in what year and location he wants us to go, because sometimes we end up underground, sometimes in the dark, sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's snowing, sometimes it's raining, sometimes I see people, sometimes I see other dogs, so wherever crazy DogMan decides to go, he punches it in the mini computer in the portal.

I don't know why DogMan is always so relaxed in the time machine.  Maybe it's because I heard him on the phone one day talking to someone that made a time machine in their basement, so maybe he's from a family of time machinist. 

I get in the time machine and I sit.  Not because I'm being obedient to DogMan, but because I worry that whatever controls the time machine is gonna open the doors and vaporize DogMan, and I want to look as normal and as calm as possible.  But really on the inside I'm scared shitless of what might happen.

Sometimes I can see DogMan laughing at me and trying to rub my head in the portal to calm me down, but I want none of that.  This human/dog hybrid thinks time and space travel is some kind of joke, but I don't want to end up like the dude from that university in Australia with a rod through my chest. 

Plus I like how the vibrations feel on my bum.

After about 5 hours in dog time, the portal doors open and I'm somewhere else.  Sometimes I recognize it, most times I don't.  But I do know the time machine gives me gas and I always need to poop when the ride is over.

I hate time travel.


  1. lol "a family of time machinist"... I wonder who that relative could be???