Saturday, June 30, 2012

Mario Balotelli New Suspect In Little Italy Murder

This just in (June 30th, 2012, 12:00pm EST):

Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair has just confirmed that they have made a mistake in arresting Dean Wiwchar in the murder of John Raposo in Toronto during an Italy-Ireland Euro Cup match, June 18th, 2012.


"We have made a regrettable mistake in arresting Mr. Wiwchar in a crime that he clearly did not commit.  Right now we have serious leads that it is a Mr. Balotelli who committed the murder."

Even though about one hundred witnesses on the patio say that it was a White man who shot Raposo, and millions of people around the world - and visual evidence - have credited Balotelli with an ironclad alibi that he was playing in a soccer match in a different continent at the time of the shooting, Blair and the police force say they have "evidence" that links Balotelli to the murder.


"Let's look at the facts:  It was a mob-style murder in Little Italy, clearly committed by an Italian.  When was the last time you heard of an Italian with the last name 'Wiwchar'?"

"In our city, gun crime is urban crime, which is Black crime.  We were thrown for a loop initially because the last time a Black man was so close to an Italian was Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed before the Soviet man-robot killed him in Rocky IV in 1985."

"Then Mayor Rob Ford hinted that we need to get back to our tried, tested, and true mandate that only Black people carry guns and bullets and kill people in public places like what happened at the Eaton Centre."

"And since Mr. Balotelli is the only Black Italian any of us in the Force have ever heard of, we've concluded that he must be the murderer."

Balotelli and his lawyers have professed his innocence.  But in a surprise move Italian authorities have agreed to a Canadian extradition order after Balotelli plays in the Euro Cup final. 

Italian officials commented:

"He's Italian when he plays and wins for the Azzurri.  He's a Black Ghanaian immigrant murderer the rest of the time.  We've always suspected it and now we have proof."

The Ghanaian Black Stars have petitioned the UN that they send Balotelli back to his homeland on refugee claims. 

In light of cuts to refugee healthcare in Canada, the country's Immigration Minister, Jason Kenney, doesn't want to have to fit the psychiatric bill for what he called on Twitter, an "unstable yellow mohawked Nintendo character".

Kenney on Twitter:

"Send him back to Africa where he belongs.  I've already got too many damn refugees and immigrants to deal with already."


  1. This is just too funny! And quite possibly very true!

  2. If a man can eat another man's face and be a true story, why can't this be? lol.