Tuesday, December 6, 2011

My Interview with Prince

Yes, that's the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, Purple Rain Prince, Blouses Prince, I've got a perm and permanent movember stache Prince.  This dude:

Last night I got a chance to see Prince in concert here in London at the JLC.  It was my first "real" concert in an arena, and I'll admit that this man knows how to put on a show.  Production and performance all top notch.

I got even luckier that I had a backstage media pass to give Prince his first interview in years.  (Ya, who knew that people cared about christopherstuartheadseast, but Prince seemed to like my post on Skinny Shorts are Capri Pants).

So here's my brief interview with Prince.  And in keeping with the style of my blog, I asked some pretty random questions and got some even more interesting answers:

Me:  Thank you so much for giving me this interview, Mr. Prince.  The ten people a day that read my blog will be so grateful for it.

Prince:  The thanks is all mine, my good Canadian dreadlocked brother.  And you can just call me what most of my friends do: The artist that was formerly a human, but who is now Jesus (TATWFAHBWINJ).  Or just Jesus for short.

Me:  Jesus.  Gotcha.  Ummm, so Jesus, what's your favourite food?

Prince:  Pancakes.

Me:  What's your shoe size?

Prince:  I wear a ladies 6, but I can still buy my runners in the kid section at Foot Locker.  You know what they say about men with small feet, eh? (As he gives a nod to his female guitarist who is sitting on his lap.)

Me:  What?

Prince:  They can fit into a great pair of leather high heels.

Me:  Oddly enough, you do make a good point.  So Jesus, if you weren't a world renowned musical star, what would you have done with your life?

Prince:  I would've been a jockey and rode camels around the streets of Miami.  If that didn't work out, I always thought about being a lingerie model.  You've never seen me in a Victoria's Secret lace blouse.

Me:  I'll take your word for it on that one.  What's your favourite sport?

Prince:  Basketball.  Back in the '80s I got a scholarship to Duke to play, but I turned it down because I kept on sweating out my perm.

Me:  Basketball?  You don't look like the typical basketball player.

Prince:  That's exactly what Charlie Murphy thought.

Me:  Christmas is around the corner and I was wondering what are some of your favourite holiday traditions?

Prince:  I really mellowed out a lot once we got to 2000.  Shoot, I really didn't think I'd live to see the new millennium and that's why I wrote "1999" in 1982.  But back in the day, me, Rick James, Madonna, Boy George, George Michael, Charlie Sheen and Mick Jagger, used to have some wicked Christmas parties.  I remember one year while on tour in Colombia, I decided to have a white Christmas in LA.  We each pitched in 50k dollars and got illegal immigrants to sprinkle cocaine from the ceiling while we sang Christmas carols.  It wasn't purple rain, but it did the trick.  Best Christmas ever!

Me:  Wow.  That sounded like one hell of a party.

Prince:  Yes it was.  It was then when I first came up with the idea of changing my name from Prince to the Artist Formerly Known as Prince.  I honestly couldn't remember who I was after that night.

Me:  Well, Jesus, I really appreciate you taking the time for this interview and I know the few fans of  christopherstuartheadseast will be really excited to see it.

Prince:  My pleasure my dreadlocked brother.  Hey, how about a game of basketball and some pancakes?

I politely declined the offer and left.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

White Girls Gone Bad

Old White women usually grab their purse when people like me walk by them on the street.  I'd bet that 9 out of 10 people lock their car doors when a street kid approaches them at a stop light.

Me, on the other hand, is terrified when I walk through the mall on a Saturday afternoon and a group of Britney Spears look-a-likes come giggling past me.

Don't let the giggles fool you.  Behind that pale skin, crystal (meth) blue eyes, and children of the corn blonde hair, lies a deep sinister evil.  And I'm not talking about that Linda Blair from The Exorcist made up kind of evil.

I'm talking about real killers.  Real cold hearted White women that would kill you (or their own child) without even thinking twice.  I mean we talk about racial profiling and all that jazz, but I think it's time that the cops start pulling over people that look like Christina Aguilera and Taylor Swift.

Check some of these real life "White Girls Gone Bad" cases:

Amanda Knox

Ya, she looks like you'd buy some Girl Guide cookies from her, but whether she raped and killed her British roommate in Italy or not, this women is cold as ice.

Casey Anthony

Living in London, I live in fear of someone like her kidnapping me in broad daylight, killing me, stuffing me in a car, then leaving my dead body to rot while she's out drinking on Richmond Row.  Well, while a jury this past summer said she didn't kill her child, why didn't she report her death to police?  I guarantee that 10 out of 10 parents would rather let her babysit their kid before even letting me in their house.

Karla Homolka

The name and face pretty well speak for themselves.  And she was 20 when she and Bernardo raped her own sister.  She's now free living in the Caribbean under the alias Leanne Teale.

Think about it the next time you cross the street when you see a person like me coming and then remember who you left your kids with at daycare.