Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Notes from the Gorilliphant Cage - Part I

Yes, Gorilliphant or Gorillaphant or any variation of Gorilla and Elephant.  That's an Austin Clarkeism that I found going through many of his letters today in the archives here in Ottawa.  Here are some good quips from the hybrid humanoid (everything is verbatim as written in his letters):

·         Letters from Austin Clarke to John Harewood: MG31, H144, Vol 1
o   Austin Clarke, November 5th, 1973, 5pm, The University of Texas at Austin, African and Afro-American Studies and Research Center:
§  “…When you spend half hour doing that, you does have to conclude that the Souff (sic) more better than…that Norff (sic).  When I look at Canada from this distance, I does have to laugh: Canada ain’ shite.  That is all I have to say regarding Canadians and Canada.
o   November 27th, 1973:
§  “I have nothing more to do with black people organization, and getting involved in them.  I consider women like Dorothy and the girl at the Black Education Project as dangerous human beings: I still think they operate from a Wessindian caste-syndrome perspective, over-compensating; over-spelling, over-identifying, and both o’ them fucking late to the struggle even in a moral way.  Dangerous-arse women, with no morals.”
§  Clarke on PM Barrow:
§  “Man, Barrow cool as shite, and I like he; with them bow-legs, and that shiny-black jacket with the dark grey trousers and the red tie, and the dark glasses man, and his head down to the rass-hole ground, heavy and overloaded with ideas and torts and other jurisprudentialisms (sic) and heavy matters o’contracks and pleas.  And not one (read this slow, and sweet, Harwood)… ‘not one rass-hole false-oath-tekker’ coulda tetch my man.”
o   February 9th, 1974:
§  Clarke on African vs Black vs Barbadian:
§  “I is one man who godblindyou don’t give too much o’ going back there, or linking up too much with Africa, cau (sic) I feel, be-Christ, that them Africans don’t like me, and never did have a good bone in their heart in regards o’ me, and people like me.”
§  “That kind of talk may surprise you, but is true.  I are not even a black man.  I is a fucking Barbadian.  Now, there might be certain ins and outs in-between me being a Barbadian that mel (sic) me also into a black man and a Africanated brand of man, too; but that as it may.  I can’t talk one African word: I ain’ know Watusi, Yoruba, Gai, nor nothing so.  The onliest language I knows is Barbadian, and I trying like shite to speak and write that better than anybody else.  Yuh see muh?”
§  ***Gorilliphant***
o   10pm, March 10th, 1976, St. Michael, Barbados, the West Indies:
§  “It is rather a cruel and sick attitude to the Barbadian who has spent some time abroad, and who has come home for whatever reason.  I think the feeling is derived from the history of the former colonial days whenthe (sic) only person who came to Barbados, without having been born here was the white Englishman; and Barbadians who have a remarkable sense of recollection, becomes disappointed in the depth of his psyche that the man who suddenly returns is not the white man the man who appeared the first time on the scene.  Barbadians are not disposed to exchanging the black man for the white man.  You should not be surprise at this.  It goes right through the fabric of society.  And you know whether I have been successful in my fight against all kinds of racialism or not, that I could not put up with such a chronic sickness.  The most depraved of this disease can be seen in the relationship of the brown-skin people to the black-skin people…Barbados is sick.”
§  “Here only the vegetation is real.  And we never like people to refer to us in that metaphor, so far as our minds are concerned.  But here in Barbados, Harewood, the only real thing is the fucking vegetation.” 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

White People Ain't Fair

How many times has Wayne Simmonds made headline news in his entire career?  I'm going to throw out a wild guess on this one and say zero.  How many times has he made headline news in a week? Twice.

First the man got a banana thrown at him and took the high road.  He played the Mandela/King card and turned the other cheek and moved on.

So now my man Simmonds is being accused of using a homophobic slur during a game to Mr. Sean Avery.  Not only is he being accused, the man is being burned at the stake even before anyone can prove or knows what was actually said.

Say he called the man "gay" or reading lips he said "day" or "may" or "poopoo head" or "fag" or "donkeykong" or said that his ex-girlfriend is a ho (Avery's ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, did play a ho in a movie), that's not the point of what's going on here.

It's the timing.

Why is Simmonds, the victim last week, now the evil villain this week?  Why is the Black man, the victim of a blatant racist act by a fan (which by the way is much worse than what gets said in the moment between two guys trying to kill each other on the ice because it's premeditated), now pulled in by the media as the heartless asshole that deserved to be called names?

Why? Because they want to show that he - a Black man - is just as intolerant as the rest of the nigger- and faggot-hating society at large.

Why feel sorry for a man that apparently called another man something that no one can prove or has even admitted, when you can sweep the ugly stain of racism under the rug faster than you can peel and eat a banana?  And what's the fastest way to do that?  Bait a known NHL asshole - Avery (who was accused of assaulting a police officer) - to say that the Black Stain (BS stands for bullshit, btw) on the NHL called him gay.

This one is for you TSN and the NHL and media at large: pull the banana out your ass and see your own hangups and prejudices for what they are.

I wonder how many times people called Simmonds a nigger and its many derivatives on the ice.  Do a story on that.

Travel Update

Ok folks, I'm on the road again.  This time I'm going to Harperland (Ottawa) for a few days to work in the National Archives here in Canada.

I plan to post some notes and photos from Harperland.  Stay tuned.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Black People: Time to Step Up

Watch the video and read the article:

You know the "turn the other cheek" mantra?  I say forget it.  At what point can we stand around and let cops taser us in the head?  Then get some bullshit response from the chief of police and mayor saying that was the right thing to do.  And once again, right here in London.

I'll leave my thoughts to myself on this one. 

Friday, September 23, 2011

Racism in the NHL

Most people reading this blog probably care more about Mountain Man Moses and the Rugby World Cup than they do about an NHL pre-season game here in London, Ontario.  But when a story like this makes headline news on CBC, it's a big deal.

Long story short, a banana was thrown at a Black player on the Philadelphia Flyers from the stands during the game last night.  For those familiar with Euro football, things like that have been all too routine.

Am I surprised that it happened here in London?  No.  I live here and know this city is full of asinine ignorant fools two IQ points short of being monkeys themselves.  And it's not the EOA and low class folks that I'm talking about.  I'm talking about the dudes in the suits with the respectable jobs and degrees that can afford to watch an NHL game.  I'm talking about that dude (gotta be a guy) that would bring a banana to a hockey game.  I don't know how many people chase a beer with a banana.

Right off the bat, London should never get another game.  Fullstop.  I'm not punishing a whole city for what one fool did, but what thousands of fools didn't.  You can't tell me that at least one person saw that guy throw something on the ice?  Security didn't see it?  Staff didn't see it?  Give me a break.  If no one is going to point the finger, I'll point it at everyone.

And if it was a Detroit fan?  I'd tell Ndamukong Suh to sit out his next game with the Detroit Lions.  We'll see how fast someone goes and starts pointing fingers.

And a Philadelphia fan?  Shoot.  Tell Vick he can't play this week and see how fast the whole of Philadelphia burns down London.

And why a banana?  Why can't racists be a tad bit more creative?  If you thought about buying a banana to throw at a Black guy, why couldn't you have thrown something that would really hurt us people to the core?

The next time a White Ass feels like being all big and bad, here's a list of a few things they should throw on the ice that'll really get their point across:

  • A bucket of fried chicken.  We love our chicken.
  • A child support case.  We hate supporting our many illegitimate children.
  • A half-burned copy of Roots.  Nothing like disrespecting Kunta Kinte.
  • A book.  It would take us a while to figure out exactly what it is.
  • A beat.  We'd drop our sticks and start freestyling on the spot.
  • A gold chain.  We get distracted by shiny things.
  • A football.  We'd remember that nobody cares about hockey anyways.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

$2399 Desktop Computer

In 1996 you could buy a desktop computer for the price of a used car.  It was so big you could probably drive it too.

Best Buy Flyer

Monday, September 19, 2011

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Ban Alcohol

Yes, I may sound like an old man and this post may seem like a rant, but I'm very serious.  I'm not saying to throw back to the Prohibition era, but we as an alcoholic society need to re-evaluate how we treat and consume alcohol.

No, I'm not sitting on a soapbox, but after seeing a drunk girl lying in the street outside my house and being taken home by two boys (that's pretty normal out here in North America's number 3 party school) and waking up to vomit and what looked like a blood trail outside my building, I figured it was a good time to put out a blog post.

I haven't done any scientific research to compare the numbers, but I have a strong feeling that alcohol affects more lives - directly and indirectly - than cigarettes and smoking.

The three biggest things we hear about with smoking is second hand smoke, cancer, and heart disease.  We see the commercials with the lady smoking out of her throat and the cartons with the pictures of damaged teeth and lungs.

But what about alcohol?

Yes, there is a huge campaign against drunk driving and MADD is known to all those around the country.  But I think we should take it to another level.

I think every time you pick up a bottle of rum or a case a beer, there should be a photo of a child mangled in a car accident caused by a drunk driver.  Another of a child suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome.  One of a woman beat by her alcoholic husband.  One of a kid in a hospital bed getting his stomach pumped.

And for the university students, there should be a big ol' photo of a herpes sore.  Yes, a photo of genitalia (male and female) and a real image of how alcohol can lower your inhibitions (and commonsense) and put you in a situation where the risk of getting an STI is astronomically magnified.

You can't see your lungs and how that puff of smoke is killing you from the inside, but you can see that growing pile of puss annually when you go pee for the rest of your life.

Yes, I may sound facetious, but what scares a young man?  Something that's wrong with his lungs, or what's in his pants?

And who can look beyond the correlation between Western being one of the top party schools in North America, but also having the highest STI infection rate of all Canadian universities?

Drinking isn't as innocent as we as a society like to celebrate.  We all can't be Bristol Palin and be celebrated for having unprotected sex while drunk and having an illegitimate child by a future porn star.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Rugby and Mountain Man Moses

I'm a sport fan.  Not only am I a sport man, but I'll watch any World Cup or international competition in any sport.  The competition that comes out when representing one's country takes the game to a completely different level.  Shoot, if there was a World Cup of walking children on a leash, I'd watch that too.  On second thought, I'd probably be training children out the womb to compete at the highest level.  I'd even lace their milk with performance enhancing drugs, feed them blended chicken hearts, and swap their baby formula for protein powder.

But there is one thing that goes above and beyond people - or babies - representing their respective countries.  Just one thing: it's when beings compete for their species.

Insert the 2011 Rugby World Cup in New Zealand and Canada's - oops, I mean, Harry from Harry and the Hendersons' brother - Adam Kleeberger:

 Resemblance? I think yes.

Yes, he carries a Canadian passport and lives in Canada.  But Harry lived in a house with a family too.  I'm all for supernatural beings swapping allegiances and doing their chosen country proud.  China has Yao "Long Tall Alien" Ming.  The US has LeBron "Neanderthal" James.  West Germany had an entire female track team of Amazon women.  So why can't Canada claim Adam "Triple M" Kleeberger?  (The triple M stands for "Mountain Man Moses".

And to boot, he actually helps a Canadian team - other than hockey that only the fraction of the World plays or even cares about - win.

It ain't tiger, but I'll take a page from Mr. Sheen and say Mountain Man blood is the key to winning.

Canada's next game is Sunday at 4am on TSN vs France.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Nelson Mandela is Not Dead

Got some rumours going around Twitter that Mandela died.  I've gone back to a tried, tested, and true medium - the plain ol' internet - and found out that he's not.  Don't believe everything you see on Twitter folks.  Stick with the internet and Wikipedia.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11 Conundrum

As I sit here watching a full slate of NFL games (a CFL one and some rugby World Cup to balance it all out) all commemorating the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I start to think:

Why do Americans say they care so much about their "heroes" - soldiers, firefighters, police officers - who die every single day fighting for their country and saving lives, but cry foul when they've got to raise taxes to pay for these "heroes" and a debt crisis which was due in part to spending billions of dollars for war?

And to boot, Americans love football more than they love their own country.  How else could the average American taxpayer explain paying a few hundred dollars to watch a live professional football game (I'm not even including the NCAA where over 114,000 people watched Michigan play Notre Dame last night) or subscribe to TV packages and buy merchandise or play in fantasy leagues that drives the multi-billion dollar league and its multi-million dollar employees, while their "heroes" are lucky to get their education paid for while dodging bullets or those many volunteers that put their lives on the line to save others.

Last time I checked, I didn't see Bush or Obama or anyone on CNN saying that after 9/11 firefighters, police officers and soldiers should get an astronomical pay raise for what they've done for their country.  If you can bailout greedy executives, why not give the money to people that actually do something for your country?

If that's not backwards, I don't know what is.

Friday, September 9, 2011

What We've Learned Since 9/11

...not much.

It's been ten years and we're still afraid of our next door neighbours.
We (Canadians and the Western World as a whole) are more xenophobic than ever.
We hate the unknown and the Other.
Your name and colour can get you kicked off of a plane (if you're even allowed to get on one).
We still see an entire religion as terrorists.
Still dropping bombs on babies.
Still electing warmongers, bigots, and plain old idiots feeding fear to the masses (a al Harper). 

It's ten years later and minus Facebook and Youtube and Obama, it might as well be 2002.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Monday, September 5, 2011

Lil Wayne - The Boogie Man

Lil Wayne singing a love song is like getting the boogie man to sing you a lullaby - those two things just don't add up to make any sense.

So what's all the hype around his song "How to Love"?

I'm not calling the man a hypocrite, but watch his video and then get back to me.  Lil Wayne is the boogie man portrayed in his video.  Think about.  The man just had two kids with two different women at the exact same time.  If that's not a good example of how to start off your child(ren) life on a good note, I'm not too too sure what is.

I really hope he's not Miss Cleo in disguise, or maybe he's that obeah woman from Pirates of the Caribbean and showing us all the future of one of his kids.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Track and Field - The All Inclusive Sport

As the Daegu Athletics World Championships come to a close on a world record note by the Jamaican men's 400m relay team, I would like to say a few things on why track & field - athletics to the rest of the world - is the best and most inclusive sport in the world.

  • Everyone - and country - in the world can compete.
  • Outside of war, on what other platform can countries express dominance?
  • Unlike sports like basketball or football, you don't need a certain body type to compete.  You're short, you sprint.  You're tall, you high jump.  You're fat, you do hammer or shot put.  
  • Athletics is the only sport that women and men are treated as complete equals.  They do the same events and earn the same amount in prize money.  Marion Jones was arguably the most popular track athlete - male or female - in the late '90s and early 2000s.  Furthermore, she was prosecuted and went to jail as one of the highest profile athletes in the whole BALCO scandal.
  • In terms of equality, how many sports allow people with physical disabilities to compete with able-bodied athletes on a level playing field?  See Oscar Pistorius
  • Blind, mentally and physically handicapped, young, old, all levels of expertise, can compete.
  • It's free.  Shoot, you don't even need shoes.
  • Outside of hamstring injuries, there are no long term debilitating effects of competing.
  • When's the last time you got a concussion running the 100m?
  • You get to travel the world and meet a whole lot of interesting and cool people.
  • The only place that you get to see "normal" Africans beating and dominating White people.  All the while throwing that whole idea of dependency on the West on its head.
  • Eye candy for men and women.
  • Great way to get and stay in shape while having fun.
  • The vast majority of athletes competing do it because they love it.  There's no money in track unless you're Usain Bolt.  They are regular people that train harder than all professional athletes just to be able to represent their country on the world stage.
  • When you're disgraced, you're disgraced for life.  There are no Michael Vicks in athletics.  If so, Ben Johnson would be on a Canadian stamp.
  • Great way to get an education.
  • Teaches great discipline, structure, and hard work.
  • Unlike team sports, when you fail, you're the only one to blame.  Can only point the finger at yourself.  Teaches great character and mental toughness.
  • Everyone can run, jump, and throw.